Trinity Blog

An evening with sexual assault survivors changed my perspective

I was planning to write a rousing article about the amazing things happening in our church and preparing you for the exciting possibilities that lie ahead. But then I went to WEAVE’s (Women Escaping A Violent Environment) sexual assault survivor clergy roundtable last night. After I heard the stories of six different sexual assault survivors, I knew I needed to write a different article.

The survivors’ stories about their attacks were very different. But almost all shared a common theme – their faith communities (in most cases, their churches and pastors) had let them down. People had been blamed and given quick answers that suggested that God was OK with it all. That’s inexcusable. I know that pastors sometimes give unhelpful answers to people – especially when they are tired or stressed out. But could those circumstances account for this many hurtful experiences? Were all of these pastors at their worst at the time they were approached? I think church simply has no idea about how to help people to recover from sexual assault. We don’t know what to do, and making it up as we go along isn’t good enough.

First of all, if you are a victim of sexual assault or abuse, know this: It’s not your fault. Whatever you might have done or not done does not mean that you deserved to be attacked or abused. The sole fault lies with the attacker or abuser. Second, it does not make you dirty or unclean. It was not your choice, and God is able to heal us from the sinful actions of others. God was with you through it all – crying with you, angry about what was done to you, and now working to restore you to wholeness. Third, please don’t try to carry this burden alone. Debra Johnston and I are here to listen to your story. Or you can take it to your Journey Group. Or take it to a trusted church friend. The church is designed to be a community of faith where we bear one another’s burdens.

For those of us who are not sexual abuse or assault survivors I have this advice. First, don’t feel the need to fix it. You can’t fix it. Only God can do that and it takes a long time. Answers like “This is all part of God’s plan” are not helpful. Listening silently is helpful. Offering to pray with someone is helpful. If you are the same gender, ask if you can give them a hug or offer a shoulder to cry on. Admit that you don’t know what to say. Let them cry. Assure them that it’s not their fault and that God loves them – and so do you! Later, you can ask how you might be helpful. In some cases, a referral to WEAVE (916-448-2321, www.weaveinc.org/) or a counselor might be helpful. Or you could offer to go with them to an appointment with Debbie or me.

For all of us, pray for those who feel that they cannot talk about what has been done to them. It’s hard for women to talk about sexual abuse and assault, and it’s even harder for men to admit it. Pray that our church will develop into a safe place with support systems, counselors, and loving members who know how to respond. Pray for an end to harm done by the church to those who are already hurting enough. Pray for God’s servants who have dedicated their lives to helping others recover from the violence that has been done against them. Pray that God will build up the church and will find ways to restore what has been lost in the lives of those who have been hurt.

And if you have ideas on what we can do to help bring healing and to bear witness to God’s love to those who have been assaulted or abused, please let me know or talk to Debra Johnston. You can reach either of us at the church office at 916-371-5875.

Working toward a more grace-filled world with you,

Pastor Steve

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 4th, 2008 at 10:35 pm and is filed under Pastor's Newsletter Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.